I've never understood how two people can go from being so happy with each other and for each other that they can't stand to wait another month to be married, to shouting and lying and causing more hurt than a human should have to endure. The concept blows my mind, utterly, how does love grow into festering resentment> Case in point, my parents.
24 years of marriage, some good, some not so good, and some downright shit. But they never broker it off, always found some way of reconciling enough to tolerate each other, for whatever reason or another. Sometimes the reason would because of my brothers and me, or because there was an apology (we all know that "sorry" make it all better), or simply because they didn't want to end things in a divorce like both of their parents had. I think that alone has been the reason that my mom has accepted Dad's "sorry" so many times, or ever his lack of "sorry", but problems don't go away when they're ignored. They just fester. And as much as I'd like to believe my mom that "we always did what was best for you guys", I sincerely doubt that living with the mountains of tension and years of resentment and the out lashes that came from it was any better that living in a broken home. I do believe that my parents always believed they were doing the right thing for us, I just also believe that they were wrong.
It worries me. Not just because they're my parents and messed up as they are I love them, but it worries me in a more self-focused way. I'm married now, and I'm somewhat plagued by the shortcomings of my parent's marriage. And stuck wondering if I'm doomed to repeat the mistakes of my mother, or to simply infect Adam and I's marriage with paranoia and controlled trust as I learned to do with my dad. Adam is not my father, and he proves time and time again how I married the right man. When I expect contempt, I'm met with forgiveness; when I expect hostile anger, I'm met with love. It's a relationship, an interaction between a husband and a wife that I've honestly never witnessed before. I've always believed it could exist, in the same naive optimism that I'd always hope that Narnia was only a wardrobe away. It's amazing...I just hope I don't screw it up.
