lunch with dad

For those of you who know, my Dad and I haven't had the most stable of relationships. It's always been up and down between us, some days yelling and screaming and threatening, some days things are great, and then finally settling into a peaceable uneasiness. So today he invited me up to Philadelphia to have lunch with him.

Things haven't been great lately, and he's been really worried about me. Being as my general policy is to not talk to him about anything deeper than "the news is making nauseous", I can understand his concern. So I hopped on the train and traveled up to University City. And for the first time in a while, I openly talked to my dad.

I told him about the money troubles I've been having, about the concerns I have about breaking my education, and about the problems I'm having with my feet and my impending loss of health care...I talked to him about a lot that I never intended on confiding in him. But it was good. It was really good talking to him. And while saying he didn't have any answers for me, he also reassured me that it's ok to be supported and it's ok to take care of one thing at a time. It was a really good lunch.

Tonight when he came home he sat down and started talking about past relationships with other family members. Topics like people changing, and how it's wrong to judge someone for a period of their life because people change. Hatred is an ugly thing. It poisons, and grudges don't solve anything. Change happens all the time.

And even though he was using various members of his family as examples, I couldn't help but believe he was really talking to me about him. Asking me to rethink our relationship, while also reminding me what I admire in him.

so an update

Yes I feel an update is in order. I feel so selfish lately, letting myself get caught up in my own problems, my own stress, and allowing that worry to over power concern for the problems of my friends and family. Very selfish indeed. And maybe it seems justifiable, I've got a lot going on etc. But once you start allowing excuses, there's no going back. So to anyone who I haven't given enough attention to recently, haven't been there for, or haven't listened to..I'm very sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

Change of pace...I am now employed. (mild sob of relief) My troubles aren't exactly solved yet, but at least there's a means now. My first day was Monday and it looks like I should be able to make this store work for me. Oh. I am now working at David's Bridal on Kirkwood highway....oh yes oh yes oh yes, I'm selling somewhat generic dresses to crazy ass women. :) haha and the clients are already scaring me (trashy brides, obese women in their underwear, and the dreaded waaay too much woman for waaaay too little dress...can someone help me find a nice way of saying 'your tits are too big and too droopy for a strapless'?) hahaha But I think once I settle in I'll be able to make pretty good money. I can be fairly persuasive when I need to be.
ALSO
on the job front, the Portrait Studio said that they'll have hours for me soon...so I think I"ll finally be ok money-wise. But friends it's been a very scary couple of months.

In other news....to further add to my filling plate...I've decided to go ahead and try to take a couple classes this term. Granted I'm going to have to go in for yet another loan, and I'll be starting late...but if I can find something easy, all I need is a B in two classes to give me the GPA boost I need to start full time.
And
Even that's an odd source of confliction. I've never wanted to go to UD. And frankly I still don't really see it as the best choice. It's just the best option available right now. Moving isn't an option anymore. And UD is the best school in the local area...it's also all I can afford.

Gaaa I hate money.

Talking to my brother Adam last night before his flight to CA (for his job training with the Marines) and I can hear the same naive expectations that I had when I first graduated and joined up... and it kinda kills me. Because there's really no way of warning him that what you want to happen, isn't how things actually happen. The only thing I could tell him was to not look too far ahead.
And I'm the biggest hypocrite of all on that front. I hate not having a plan. And I don't mean a vague overview of how things should generally play out over the next 2 or 3 years. I mean a somewhat detailed short term sketch. But i guess i don't get that. I feel like I'm flying blind, or with one eye closed, in the dark, and colorblind..just hope the windows aren't reflective.

first blog

Hi. So as I sit here at my kitchen table in my pajamas at 11am I finally feel compelled to write. And for some reason I don't feel like using my MySpace's blog function. Oh well.

Today I have a job interview. I've been out of work so long that I think I would take a job mucking stables as long as it guaranteed a paycheck. It's ridiculous and kinda sad. I actually liked my job with JCPenny. I got to play with cameras worth more than my combined net-worth, and little kids. But hours are money, and when you haven't had hours in three weeks....well steps must be taken. Maybe around holidays I'll a few hours in here and there.

So yes, job interview today, this comes on the heels of the news I got on Saturday...that the University of Delaware has rejected me again. I'm not even sure how to process it at this point. It's hard to maintain belief in your own intelligence when the edvidence against it keeps stacking up. And with my back-up plan of taking a few more art classes from DelTech also out of range....well I'm feeling kinda lost.
I need to finish my degree, there's not even a question about that because there is no chance of getting started in the career I want without it. But even since my last semester at Elon (the school i went to North Carolina, that i left because i couldn't afford living expenses) it seems as if everything in life is working against my education. I know I need to finish, and I know i want to finish. I just wish I had some guidelines to go by. So someone who's already in the field or has worked in the field to talk to. Anyway that's what I'm looking for right now.

Trying to stay positive. Trying to find motivation. It shouldn't be this hard to simply have faith in yourself and to want to achieve your goals. But right now I think I'm moving forward for Adam more than myself. And maybe that's enough for right now. Poor Adam, I rely so much on him.

But first things first. Job interview today. Here's hoping.