Thoughts on Marriage and Divorce

I've never understood how two people can go from being so happy with each other and for each other that they can't stand to wait another month to be married, to shouting and lying and causing more hurt than a human should have to endure. The concept blows my mind, utterly, how does love grow into festering resentment> Case in point, my parents.

24 years of marriage, some good, some not so good, and some downright shit. But they never broker it off, always found some way of reconciling enough to tolerate each other, for whatever reason or another. Sometimes the reason would because of my brothers and me, or because there was an apology (we all know that "sorry" make it all better), or simply because they didn't want to end things in a divorce like both of their parents had. I think that alone has been the reason that my mom has accepted Dad's "sorry" so many times, or ever his lack of "sorry", but problems don't go away when they're ignored. They just fester. And as much as I'd like to believe my mom that "we always did what was best for you guys", I sincerely doubt that living with the mountains of tension and years of resentment and the out lashes that came from it was any better that living in a broken home. I do believe that my parents always believed they were doing the right thing for us, I just also believe that they were wrong.

It worries me. Not just because they're my parents and messed up as they are I love them, but it worries me in a more self-focused way. I'm married now, and I'm somewhat plagued by the shortcomings of my parent's marriage. And stuck wondering if I'm doomed to repeat the mistakes of my mother, or to simply infect Adam and I's marriage with paranoia and controlled trust as I learned to do with my dad. Adam is not my father, and he proves time and time again how I married the right man. When I expect contempt, I'm met with forgiveness; when I expect hostile anger, I'm met with love. It's a relationship, an interaction between a husband and a wife that I've honestly never witnessed before. I've always believed it could exist, in the same naive optimism that I'd always hope that Narnia was only a wardrobe away. It's amazing...I just hope I don't screw it up.

Some Meditation on a Barry Ball Sermon

Barry is a chaplain I’ve worked with for several years. He has an odd southern Methodist charm about him, and an uncanny way of simplifying disciplines down to a widely receivable message, but without diluting the truth. Not exactly a common talent. Today he spoke about the Wilderness.

Traditionally this Sunday, being the first Sunday of Lent, is meant to focus on Jesus entering the Wilderness and facing temptation after his baptism. And that’s what he talked on. The concept of what the Wilderness is. More than the geographical landscape that Jesus physically wandered through, but more the personal, less recognizable Wilderness that we all can find ourselves in. That loss of comfort, the loneliness, the finding yourself in a place and down a road that you never thought you’d ever be and doing things you swore you’d never do, the deep psychological emotional internal Wilderness. It’s where you realize that everything you thought you were close to is suddenly very far way, where things you saw in black & white are suddenly varying and fading shades of gray, where you’re dying of thirst and freezing to death all at once. And in this deep dark mess is a Battleground.

Not wanting to sound like a “fire and brimstone” concept, but this Wilderness becomes the Battleground for your soul. A Battleground for your mental well-being, your values and beliefs, for who you are. I’m a person who believes that the forces of God and Satan (or of good and evil if you like) are constantly and actually fighting battles for His children. Unseen forces locked in fatal struggles for your soul. Perhaps it’s a more romantic notion, but I can’t see God leaving us to fight on our own. We can’t. We try, but that’s how we find ourselves in the Wilderness. And that’s the purpose of the Wilderness, to find your way back to Him so He can lead your home. So much easier said than done. Think of Peter walking on the waters of the stormy Sea of Galilee, when all he had to do was focus on Jesus but his present circumstances distracted him too much, and he had the benefit of having Jesus directly and physically in front of him.

God knows your Wilderness, and even though you may not feel Him nearby, He has not and will not leave you to wander alone. He loves you too much. He also loves you too much to stop you from entering the Wilderness. Like a parent who knows that life lessons are best learned the hard way and having to watch their child struggle, knowing that in the end it’s for the best.

Everything is according to His plan and for His purpose. He love you. He won’t leave you. He’s always there, even in the Wilderness.