Thoughts on Marriage and Divorce

I've never understood how two people can go from being so happy with each other and for each other that they can't stand to wait another month to be married, to shouting and lying and causing more hurt than a human should have to endure. The concept blows my mind, utterly, how does love grow into festering resentment> Case in point, my parents.

24 years of marriage, some good, some not so good, and some downright shit. But they never broker it off, always found some way of reconciling enough to tolerate each other, for whatever reason or another. Sometimes the reason would because of my brothers and me, or because there was an apology (we all know that "sorry" make it all better), or simply because they didn't want to end things in a divorce like both of their parents had. I think that alone has been the reason that my mom has accepted Dad's "sorry" so many times, or ever his lack of "sorry", but problems don't go away when they're ignored. They just fester. And as much as I'd like to believe my mom that "we always did what was best for you guys", I sincerely doubt that living with the mountains of tension and years of resentment and the out lashes that came from it was any better that living in a broken home. I do believe that my parents always believed they were doing the right thing for us, I just also believe that they were wrong.

It worries me. Not just because they're my parents and messed up as they are I love them, but it worries me in a more self-focused way. I'm married now, and I'm somewhat plagued by the shortcomings of my parent's marriage. And stuck wondering if I'm doomed to repeat the mistakes of my mother, or to simply infect Adam and I's marriage with paranoia and controlled trust as I learned to do with my dad. Adam is not my father, and he proves time and time again how I married the right man. When I expect contempt, I'm met with forgiveness; when I expect hostile anger, I'm met with love. It's a relationship, an interaction between a husband and a wife that I've honestly never witnessed before. I've always believed it could exist, in the same naive optimism that I'd always hope that Narnia was only a wardrobe away. It's amazing...I just hope I don't screw it up.

Some Meditation on a Barry Ball Sermon

Barry is a chaplain I’ve worked with for several years. He has an odd southern Methodist charm about him, and an uncanny way of simplifying disciplines down to a widely receivable message, but without diluting the truth. Not exactly a common talent. Today he spoke about the Wilderness.

Traditionally this Sunday, being the first Sunday of Lent, is meant to focus on Jesus entering the Wilderness and facing temptation after his baptism. And that’s what he talked on. The concept of what the Wilderness is. More than the geographical landscape that Jesus physically wandered through, but more the personal, less recognizable Wilderness that we all can find ourselves in. That loss of comfort, the loneliness, the finding yourself in a place and down a road that you never thought you’d ever be and doing things you swore you’d never do, the deep psychological emotional internal Wilderness. It’s where you realize that everything you thought you were close to is suddenly very far way, where things you saw in black & white are suddenly varying and fading shades of gray, where you’re dying of thirst and freezing to death all at once. And in this deep dark mess is a Battleground.

Not wanting to sound like a “fire and brimstone” concept, but this Wilderness becomes the Battleground for your soul. A Battleground for your mental well-being, your values and beliefs, for who you are. I’m a person who believes that the forces of God and Satan (or of good and evil if you like) are constantly and actually fighting battles for His children. Unseen forces locked in fatal struggles for your soul. Perhaps it’s a more romantic notion, but I can’t see God leaving us to fight on our own. We can’t. We try, but that’s how we find ourselves in the Wilderness. And that’s the purpose of the Wilderness, to find your way back to Him so He can lead your home. So much easier said than done. Think of Peter walking on the waters of the stormy Sea of Galilee, when all he had to do was focus on Jesus but his present circumstances distracted him too much, and he had the benefit of having Jesus directly and physically in front of him.

God knows your Wilderness, and even though you may not feel Him nearby, He has not and will not leave you to wander alone. He loves you too much. He also loves you too much to stop you from entering the Wilderness. Like a parent who knows that life lessons are best learned the hard way and having to watch their child struggle, knowing that in the end it’s for the best.

Everything is according to His plan and for His purpose. He love you. He won’t leave you. He’s always there, even in the Wilderness.

lunch with dad

For those of you who know, my Dad and I haven't had the most stable of relationships. It's always been up and down between us, some days yelling and screaming and threatening, some days things are great, and then finally settling into a peaceable uneasiness. So today he invited me up to Philadelphia to have lunch with him.

Things haven't been great lately, and he's been really worried about me. Being as my general policy is to not talk to him about anything deeper than "the news is making nauseous", I can understand his concern. So I hopped on the train and traveled up to University City. And for the first time in a while, I openly talked to my dad.

I told him about the money troubles I've been having, about the concerns I have about breaking my education, and about the problems I'm having with my feet and my impending loss of health care...I talked to him about a lot that I never intended on confiding in him. But it was good. It was really good talking to him. And while saying he didn't have any answers for me, he also reassured me that it's ok to be supported and it's ok to take care of one thing at a time. It was a really good lunch.

Tonight when he came home he sat down and started talking about past relationships with other family members. Topics like people changing, and how it's wrong to judge someone for a period of their life because people change. Hatred is an ugly thing. It poisons, and grudges don't solve anything. Change happens all the time.

And even though he was using various members of his family as examples, I couldn't help but believe he was really talking to me about him. Asking me to rethink our relationship, while also reminding me what I admire in him.

so an update

Yes I feel an update is in order. I feel so selfish lately, letting myself get caught up in my own problems, my own stress, and allowing that worry to over power concern for the problems of my friends and family. Very selfish indeed. And maybe it seems justifiable, I've got a lot going on etc. But once you start allowing excuses, there's no going back. So to anyone who I haven't given enough attention to recently, haven't been there for, or haven't listened to..I'm very sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

Change of pace...I am now employed. (mild sob of relief) My troubles aren't exactly solved yet, but at least there's a means now. My first day was Monday and it looks like I should be able to make this store work for me. Oh. I am now working at David's Bridal on Kirkwood highway....oh yes oh yes oh yes, I'm selling somewhat generic dresses to crazy ass women. :) haha and the clients are already scaring me (trashy brides, obese women in their underwear, and the dreaded waaay too much woman for waaaay too little dress...can someone help me find a nice way of saying 'your tits are too big and too droopy for a strapless'?) hahaha But I think once I settle in I'll be able to make pretty good money. I can be fairly persuasive when I need to be.
ALSO
on the job front, the Portrait Studio said that they'll have hours for me soon...so I think I"ll finally be ok money-wise. But friends it's been a very scary couple of months.

In other news....to further add to my filling plate...I've decided to go ahead and try to take a couple classes this term. Granted I'm going to have to go in for yet another loan, and I'll be starting late...but if I can find something easy, all I need is a B in two classes to give me the GPA boost I need to start full time.
And
Even that's an odd source of confliction. I've never wanted to go to UD. And frankly I still don't really see it as the best choice. It's just the best option available right now. Moving isn't an option anymore. And UD is the best school in the local area...it's also all I can afford.

Gaaa I hate money.

Talking to my brother Adam last night before his flight to CA (for his job training with the Marines) and I can hear the same naive expectations that I had when I first graduated and joined up... and it kinda kills me. Because there's really no way of warning him that what you want to happen, isn't how things actually happen. The only thing I could tell him was to not look too far ahead.
And I'm the biggest hypocrite of all on that front. I hate not having a plan. And I don't mean a vague overview of how things should generally play out over the next 2 or 3 years. I mean a somewhat detailed short term sketch. But i guess i don't get that. I feel like I'm flying blind, or with one eye closed, in the dark, and colorblind..just hope the windows aren't reflective.

first blog

Hi. So as I sit here at my kitchen table in my pajamas at 11am I finally feel compelled to write. And for some reason I don't feel like using my MySpace's blog function. Oh well.

Today I have a job interview. I've been out of work so long that I think I would take a job mucking stables as long as it guaranteed a paycheck. It's ridiculous and kinda sad. I actually liked my job with JCPenny. I got to play with cameras worth more than my combined net-worth, and little kids. But hours are money, and when you haven't had hours in three weeks....well steps must be taken. Maybe around holidays I'll a few hours in here and there.

So yes, job interview today, this comes on the heels of the news I got on Saturday...that the University of Delaware has rejected me again. I'm not even sure how to process it at this point. It's hard to maintain belief in your own intelligence when the edvidence against it keeps stacking up. And with my back-up plan of taking a few more art classes from DelTech also out of range....well I'm feeling kinda lost.
I need to finish my degree, there's not even a question about that because there is no chance of getting started in the career I want without it. But even since my last semester at Elon (the school i went to North Carolina, that i left because i couldn't afford living expenses) it seems as if everything in life is working against my education. I know I need to finish, and I know i want to finish. I just wish I had some guidelines to go by. So someone who's already in the field or has worked in the field to talk to. Anyway that's what I'm looking for right now.

Trying to stay positive. Trying to find motivation. It shouldn't be this hard to simply have faith in yourself and to want to achieve your goals. But right now I think I'm moving forward for Adam more than myself. And maybe that's enough for right now. Poor Adam, I rely so much on him.

But first things first. Job interview today. Here's hoping.